Mini-Me Monday - Check In #6

Before I start in on the whole thing, I want to say that I think after this week, I might switch from Mini-Me Mondays to Mini-Me Fridays or something. It's hard for me to weigh in on Thursdays and then wait until Monday to talk about it.

Okay -- I just finished typing, and this is long. And ugly. And probably somewhat difficult to follow. Don't say I didn't warn you!!

Soooooooooooo...another week has come and gone. Another week -- annnnnnnnnnnd, I blew it again.

*sigh*

I gained another .5 lb this week. I know that doesn't sound so bad, and in the big scheme of things, I know -- it's not. I know exactly what happened, and I also know exactly what didn't happen this past week to get to this point, and let's just say I was in clearly in charge of both. I feel badly for the sweet co-leader of my 1st Place group. I hopped up on the scale (after arriving late to the meeting) and when it went back over, I asked if it was a gain. She said "Yeah, a half pound."

*Dramatic pause while those words echo around the room.*

As I stepped off of the scale, I let out a big "UGHHHHHH, WHY????!!!!" and basically threw a big-girl tantrum over the whole thing as I stormed out of the room. (I know, pretty mature.)

I know she gets it. I know she does. Heck, anyone who's ever had a weight issue gets it, I'm sure. The thing is -- what an idiot. I mean, first of all -- I have the nerve to ask "Why???" Come on, Tara...you KNOW why. Then, to just flip out like that and act like a total brat??? Nice, real nice. So, yeah...not the best week for me. I did apologize to her and of course she was sweet and understanding and not feeling the need to be apologized to, but still. So lame of me.

So. Lame. Of. Me.

Ever since Thursday night, I've had time to think. Think. About what really happened. And not even so much as what happened, but more about why it happened. (And I also realize that right about now, there are probably some "Does she realize she's talking about half a pound here?" thoughts going on, but really - it's just so much more than that.)

See, here's the thing.

I was so excited about joining 1st Place because I knew it was what I needed. A nudge not only for my actual weight, but also for every thing that's caused my weight to actually be a problem. I was so excited because it was finally a structured, concrete way for me to combine my faith with my weight loss efforts. The more I learned about it, the more excited I became. The first two weeks were great.

Uh, yeah -- honeymoon, anyone??

After that, back to the same old bad habits. Weekends killing me. Stress killing me. Emotions killing me. One slip up leading to the next. And the next. And excusing it all with the same excuses. Hoping to make up for it here, make up for it there. All the while never truly acknowledging what's going on.

What's. Going. On!!!!

Here's what's going on. Until Thursday, until after my little tantrum -- I wasn't doing any of this for me. I wasn't doing it for my kids. I wasn't doing it for my husband. I certainly wasn't doing it for God. I was doing it because I just kind of felt like I should. Like it was the way into some skinny jeans. Into a better looking, better feeling me.

After Thursday, I got real honest with myself in a hurry. I looked back over the first 4 CR's that I'd turned in and gotten back from my group leaders. (The CR is the Commitment Record - it's basically a daily journal of my eating, exercise, prayer, etc.) I started really looking at what I was doing.

I found that after those first two weeks, I started creeping over the limits for the food exchanges with my eating. Not by a lot, just a little. Then on the weekends, I'd not just creep over -- I'd march across the line and pitch a tent on the other side. Any victories during the weeks were wiped out by the weekend behaviors -- and then some.

Once that started to falter, my exercise started to wane a bit as well. I went from working out 4 and 5 times a week to 2 and 3 times a week. Still exercising, just ehhhh - half-heartedly and not as often.

What came next? A day here, a day there - no prayer time, no Bible study time, no scripture memorization, no time in the Word. Two weeks went by without me reaching out to encourage other group members.

Basically, one by one, I started to loosen my grip on the 9 commitments of the 1st Place group I'd so tightly held when I first agreed to follow them. As I read through my CR's and watched it all unfold, I realized that I hadn't done any of this for the right reasons. Truthfully, the only reason, and I mean the ONLY reason I filled them out at all the last two weeks is because I knew we had to turn them in, and I'm sort of anal about that kind of task completion. Basically, I was doing it because I knew someone would be asking for them and I didn't want to turn them in blank or say I hadn't done it. So, I did.

(By the way, I know I'm rambling now, but it's my blog, so I'm gonna keep doing just that.)

By the time Thursday night rolled around, I was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Chris to get home so I could leave for my meeting. The kids had just finished eating dinner and were watching whatever TV show I turned on for them so that I could finish my homework. We had 3 things to read in the big 1st Place book, and I also needed to complete the week's Bible study.

Yes, that's right. All of it. That night. Because I hadn't done ANY of it. Nope. Not one day's worth. And to make it worse -- I was only doing it because we would be discussing it at the meeting. Oh -- and as for my memory verse for the week...I learned it that day. In the car as I was driving between my appointments with my clients. And only because I have to recite it as I get weighed in each week. Not for any other reason.

After I looked through my CR's, I got out my prayer journal and was ashamed to see that I hadn't written in it in almost a week. I had said prayers in between that time, but I hadn't taken a serious chunk of time and committed it to prayer.

What. Was. I. Doing?!?!

Humble pie -- at least it's calorie free, right? Goodness, goodness...I think that I have lived off of it this week. Something finally clicked. All of that reflection on the past 5 weeks was like a huge slap upside the head for me. (One that I desperately needed, I might add.) As I considered all of the things I'd done and not done, my thoughts were actually brought back to something I myself had *just* said.

While we were driving on our date last weekend, my husband and I were talking about our faith lives and especially about the changes that I've made in the past year or so. I said these exact words to him: "I finally figured out that I can't do it by myself. I just can't. I need help. And the only place I can find enough strength, joy, comfort, peace, and determination to do things better and over and over and over again is through the Lord."

My own words rang out in my mind -- when I spoke them, I was talking about myself as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, woman, etc. I wasn't at all speaking about my weight loss efforts and everything that goes along with that journey -- yet, here I was -- at the same place and feeling and thinking the very same thing.

I can't do it by myself. I just can't. I need help. And the only place I can find enough strength, joy, comfort, peace and determination to do things better and over and over and over again is through the Lord.

And now I'm talking about my weight loss efforts. It's finally time to do this the right way. It's time to do this for me, through Him.

Ever since Thursday, I've had a great week. It hasn't been a struggle to do what I need to do. What I NEED to do. The biggest change is that I *want* to do it now. For me. Not because I'm turning my CR in. Not because I have to recite that verse as I step on the scale.

I want to do this because I know I can. I want to do this because I know He wants me to. I want to do this to glorify Him.

Here's a verse I found this morning as I was doing some reading. I put it on an index card and taped it to the fridge. It's basically what happened to me after Thursday night. I love it when the Word speaks right to me. To me. What a gift; what a treasure.

I Corinthians 10:13 (NLT)
"But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different than what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it."

Monday Morning P.S. - I wrote this last night before going to bed. I just finished my Bible study for the day. Here is word-for-word the prayer at the end of the lesson (which was pretty much ALL about this exact topic): "Heavenly Father, help me to make a fresh commitment to my efforts in the First Place program so that I may reap a harvest. Holy Lord, help me to make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with You."

I guess I'm really in the right place, wouldn't you say?