Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Buried.

Okay, for starters... I have sort of gotten myself into a rut. Okay, not sort of. I just have.

I'm sick.
The kids are sick.
I'm tired.
I'm pregnant.
I just don't have time.
Repeat.

The above has been my mantra for the last oh -- three weeks or so. For everything under the sun.

Cleaning? Mantra.
Time in The Word? Mantra.
Exercise? Mantra.
Fun stuff with the kids? Mantra.

Okay - now I *will* cut myself a little bit of slack. I have been sick. The kids have been sick. I am most certainly pregnant. I don't know if I've EVER been this tired in all my life. True. All true.

But.

I can make a good mantra. I can get myself out of this "buried" condition. A month or two ago I was happier than I'd been in quite some time. I was eating fantastically. I was spending time in The Word each and every day and loving it. I was participating in two Bible studies regularly. I was working out several times a week.

Now -- not so much. For any of it. *sigh*

I do, honestly - feel buried. Under the blahs. Under life.

But I can get out. I know I can. And I will. So, no worries.

Okay - so speaking of buried. Here's that post I mentioned like a month ago that has been knocking around inside of my brain. Ironically, it's about things being buried, too.

Alot of our stuff is in storage right now. Obviously, not things that we use every day or on a somewhat regular basis. Most of the stuff are things that we want to use again in the new house (wherever that may be) -- train table, formal serving dishes, our overstuffed rocker recliner, etc.

Well, when we went to get our stuff out for the holidays (ALLLLL of our Christmas decorations were in there), I was struck by how buried it all was. How boxes and boxes of other "stuff" made getting to what we were actually looking for so very difficult. We had to wade through very tiny walkways, stand on desks, etc. to make sure that the box at the very bottom of the back pile was indeed Christmas stuff.

Then, once we got all of the things out that we needed, we had to put the rest of the boxes and items back in...only they didn't fit the same way. There were gaps and holes where the things we'd taken out had once been. Now some boxes stacked akwardly. Some furniture had to be rearranged again. Things like that.

It just struck me as we drove away how similar that is to my own heart and the "junk" I have stored in there. Sometimes in order to dig deep and get to the things that I really need to have and deal with right now, I have to unpack some other things that I didn't even know were jumbled up in there. I guess the thing that jumped out to me is that so many times, I have things buried in my heart and half the time, the things I have to deal with in order to find what I'm looking for I thought I'd dealt with long ago.

Here is where I'd usually elaborate, but it's taken me two attempts to get THIS much written down so I'll stop here. I'm 12 weeks along now and am off to the OB's office in a few hours for my 2nd appointment. I'll keep you posted.

A sincere thank you for all of the love and "where are you" check ups. I'm here. I'm tired. I'm fine.

I'm buried, but digging out.

15 comments:

Alana said...

I've been wonderin' about you. I'm glad you are makin' it. Remember that you are in a season and there will be plenty of time for all of that when you are not so tired...think of all the hard work your body is doing on the inside making that baby!

I'll pray for you...keep digging ;-)

Mari said...

I'm glad to hear you are okay. I was thinking you must not be feeling good. Just keep digging. This too shall pass!

Kristen said...

Welcome back - i had been wondering if you were all feeling better.

The first shovel full is the hardest but as you keep digging you will see the light and it won't seem so bad. You will get there my friend - as others have stated keep digging.

Praying for you!

Jennifer said...

I was JUST thinking about you today - no kidding!! Weird.

I want to say this, even though you're going to think, "yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah..." because I used to do the same thing. But here goes, anyway.

When I was a mother of 2 under 5, I felt the very same way, every once in awhile. It cycled around, and of course, pregnancy or illness made it worse. Weariness made it worse. I would get such blues!!! If I could tell you anything and have you listen and believe me, I'd say that it does fade... those seasons will get briefer, milder, and farther between.

I'd also say not to let yourself get too introspective when you are tired, ill, and/or pregnant. Your perspective gets all wonky, even though you think, "no, it's not! That's just an excuse..." (I can say that because I have thought that, myself!)
But I'm telling you the truth - you're not all yourself right now. And there will come a day when the fog will lift and the sun will come out and you will be "you" again!

In the meantime, tread carefully and do not carry a bigger burden than our merciful, loving God intends. Think upon this:

"He tends His flock like a shepherd; He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart. He GENTLY leads those who are with young." Isaiah 40:11

I truly hope you feel better soon, and your family with you. Blessings,
Jen

Jennifer Partin said...

Welcome back! You really had me worried that I was gonna have to hop on an airplane.

I can come over and still help you dig......

But, hey----you've got a baby growing inside you! How exciting is that? And where's that belly photo?

Missed you---
Hugs and kisses!

Sarah Markley said...

If it makes you feel any better, I feel like I am ALWAYS digging! I will pray you can dig out of the blahs...=)

shelley said...

I know exactly how you feel. In fact, I feel a little "buried" myself lately! I really like what Jennifer had to say though, about not carrying a burden bigger than God intends...Wow! So relax, and let your body work on growing a baby!

Teresa said...

Was wondering what was going on with ya. I miss hearing your stories that make my walk with the Lord make so much more sense! I still think about raising my hand up to God all the time. I have an extra shovel over here.....but I think if you just raise your hand....He will take it.

Sittintall said...

You poor thing. I wouldn't worry about blogging, you just need to get you and your family above water. I can't imagine everyone being sick, while being pregnant. I think it's time for spring. My kids have been sick a lot too, and all I want to do is whip open the windows and let in some fresh air. Thinking about you.

Terri said...

I don't blame you. Those first few months are exhausting. Can't wait to hear about your next appt. We'll just keep checking back on you.

Short Stop said...

Praying, praying for you! THIS will pass! Hang in there, friend!

BethAnne said...

I know how you feel! I have been in a kind of 'funk' lately myself. I am praying for you, your kids and your new baby. We have all missed our daily dose of Tara.......hope you feel better soon!

Earen said...

Friend..I'm so sorry things have been tough. I'm praying for you & hoping to see you tomorrow at MOPS.

Heather C said...

(((((((((((((Tara)))))))))))))))) Sorry you're sick and feeling so overwhelmed and tired right now. This too shall pass... and if it were feasibly possible, I'd bring my own shovel to help you out. :)

Love you... hang in there!

Heather

Jennifer Partin said...

Have something for you on my Blog that might cheer you up!