Mini-Me Update

Since it's been awhile since I talked about this whole "thing" I figured an update was in order. From July 2008 to July 2009, I lost 65 pounds. I have managed to keep 55-60 off consistently. I still have about 30-35 to go.

And to those of you who know me in "real life" and say "No, you don't!" -- YES, I DO. I will save you the trauma of seeing it for yourselves, just trust me. It's definitely there to lose. In several places that clothes thankfully hide for me. 'Nuff said there, I hope.

Anyway. I'm sort of in a rut and am hoping to bust through here soon. I think what happened is that I was part of a very supportive group, and the main focuses of the group definitely "clicked" with me. I stumbled upon it at just the right time and definitely put forth the consistent hard work and effort in all areas that I need to in order to be successful.

Since then, I have definitely been in maintenance mode. Lots of big life changes have happened and I've sort of weathered them by doing half-way things in the way of health and fitness.

I can say that the absolute KEY to my weight loss and health improvements were 150% God sponsored. By that, I mean that being in The Word, prayer time, encouragement with my friends, scripture memorization and truly putting Him first was what worked. Well, currently, NONE of that is happening consistently. And it hasn't for some time now.

I just came to this realization the other day and it was like DUH. What did I *think* would happen? If you don't have the KEY, you can't unlock the door.

So, here I am. Knowing where I am, who I am and where I need to go and who I need to be. Nothing has to change -- I just need to remember that I am first and foremost a child of God and live my life according to the purpose and focus I know that I have within me through His grace.

It will take some gut-busting willpower, prayer, and determination. I'm trying to regather my mojo and just get back into the groove. As usual, there are many things in my way every day to prevent this. I'm just trying to remember what is TRULY important each day. When I was in such a good place, not only was I losing weight, working out and getting healthy -- I also had more patience, energy and motivation to get the rest of my life healthy, too. I also weathered the storms that come our way in a much better way, too.

So, there ya go. There's your update. I think I'll go back to Mini-Me Monday updates to keep myself accountable. Ask me if I don't...I need some support and keeping me accountable is a great way to help. Thanks, bloggy friends!!

Mini-Me Monday - Check In #6

Before I start in on the whole thing, I want to say that I think after this week, I might switch from Mini-Me Mondays to Mini-Me Fridays or something. It's hard for me to weigh in on Thursdays and then wait until Monday to talk about it.

Okay -- I just finished typing, and this is long. And ugly. And probably somewhat difficult to follow. Don't say I didn't warn you!!

Soooooooooooo...another week has come and gone. Another week -- annnnnnnnnnnd, I blew it again.

*sigh*

I gained another .5 lb this week. I know that doesn't sound so bad, and in the big scheme of things, I know -- it's not. I know exactly what happened, and I also know exactly what didn't happen this past week to get to this point, and let's just say I was in clearly in charge of both. I feel badly for the sweet co-leader of my 1st Place group. I hopped up on the scale (after arriving late to the meeting) and when it went back over, I asked if it was a gain. She said "Yeah, a half pound."

*Dramatic pause while those words echo around the room.*

As I stepped off of the scale, I let out a big "UGHHHHHH, WHY????!!!!" and basically threw a big-girl tantrum over the whole thing as I stormed out of the room. (I know, pretty mature.)

I know she gets it. I know she does. Heck, anyone who's ever had a weight issue gets it, I'm sure. The thing is -- what an idiot. I mean, first of all -- I have the nerve to ask "Why???" Come on, Tara...you KNOW why. Then, to just flip out like that and act like a total brat??? Nice, real nice. So, yeah...not the best week for me. I did apologize to her and of course she was sweet and understanding and not feeling the need to be apologized to, but still. So lame of me.

So. Lame. Of. Me.

Ever since Thursday night, I've had time to think. Think. About what really happened. And not even so much as what happened, but more about why it happened. (And I also realize that right about now, there are probably some "Does she realize she's talking about half a pound here?" thoughts going on, but really - it's just so much more than that.)

See, here's the thing.

I was so excited about joining 1st Place because I knew it was what I needed. A nudge not only for my actual weight, but also for every thing that's caused my weight to actually be a problem. I was so excited because it was finally a structured, concrete way for me to combine my faith with my weight loss efforts. The more I learned about it, the more excited I became. The first two weeks were great.

Uh, yeah -- honeymoon, anyone??

After that, back to the same old bad habits. Weekends killing me. Stress killing me. Emotions killing me. One slip up leading to the next. And the next. And excusing it all with the same excuses. Hoping to make up for it here, make up for it there. All the while never truly acknowledging what's going on.

What's. Going. On!!!!

Here's what's going on. Until Thursday, until after my little tantrum -- I wasn't doing any of this for me. I wasn't doing it for my kids. I wasn't doing it for my husband. I certainly wasn't doing it for God. I was doing it because I just kind of felt like I should. Like it was the way into some skinny jeans. Into a better looking, better feeling me.

After Thursday, I got real honest with myself in a hurry. I looked back over the first 4 CR's that I'd turned in and gotten back from my group leaders. (The CR is the Commitment Record - it's basically a daily journal of my eating, exercise, prayer, etc.) I started really looking at what I was doing.

I found that after those first two weeks, I started creeping over the limits for the food exchanges with my eating. Not by a lot, just a little. Then on the weekends, I'd not just creep over -- I'd march across the line and pitch a tent on the other side. Any victories during the weeks were wiped out by the weekend behaviors -- and then some.

Once that started to falter, my exercise started to wane a bit as well. I went from working out 4 and 5 times a week to 2 and 3 times a week. Still exercising, just ehhhh - half-heartedly and not as often.

What came next? A day here, a day there - no prayer time, no Bible study time, no scripture memorization, no time in the Word. Two weeks went by without me reaching out to encourage other group members.

Basically, one by one, I started to loosen my grip on the 9 commitments of the 1st Place group I'd so tightly held when I first agreed to follow them. As I read through my CR's and watched it all unfold, I realized that I hadn't done any of this for the right reasons. Truthfully, the only reason, and I mean the ONLY reason I filled them out at all the last two weeks is because I knew we had to turn them in, and I'm sort of anal about that kind of task completion. Basically, I was doing it because I knew someone would be asking for them and I didn't want to turn them in blank or say I hadn't done it. So, I did.

(By the way, I know I'm rambling now, but it's my blog, so I'm gonna keep doing just that.)

By the time Thursday night rolled around, I was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Chris to get home so I could leave for my meeting. The kids had just finished eating dinner and were watching whatever TV show I turned on for them so that I could finish my homework. We had 3 things to read in the big 1st Place book, and I also needed to complete the week's Bible study.

Yes, that's right. All of it. That night. Because I hadn't done ANY of it. Nope. Not one day's worth. And to make it worse -- I was only doing it because we would be discussing it at the meeting. Oh -- and as for my memory verse for the week...I learned it that day. In the car as I was driving between my appointments with my clients. And only because I have to recite it as I get weighed in each week. Not for any other reason.

After I looked through my CR's, I got out my prayer journal and was ashamed to see that I hadn't written in it in almost a week. I had said prayers in between that time, but I hadn't taken a serious chunk of time and committed it to prayer.

What. Was. I. Doing?!?!

Humble pie -- at least it's calorie free, right? Goodness, goodness...I think that I have lived off of it this week. Something finally clicked. All of that reflection on the past 5 weeks was like a huge slap upside the head for me. (One that I desperately needed, I might add.) As I considered all of the things I'd done and not done, my thoughts were actually brought back to something I myself had *just* said.

While we were driving on our date last weekend, my husband and I were talking about our faith lives and especially about the changes that I've made in the past year or so. I said these exact words to him: "I finally figured out that I can't do it by myself. I just can't. I need help. And the only place I can find enough strength, joy, comfort, peace, and determination to do things better and over and over and over again is through the Lord."

My own words rang out in my mind -- when I spoke them, I was talking about myself as a mother, wife, friend, daughter, woman, etc. I wasn't at all speaking about my weight loss efforts and everything that goes along with that journey -- yet, here I was -- at the same place and feeling and thinking the very same thing.

I can't do it by myself. I just can't. I need help. And the only place I can find enough strength, joy, comfort, peace and determination to do things better and over and over and over again is through the Lord.

And now I'm talking about my weight loss efforts. It's finally time to do this the right way. It's time to do this for me, through Him.

Ever since Thursday, I've had a great week. It hasn't been a struggle to do what I need to do. What I NEED to do. The biggest change is that I *want* to do it now. For me. Not because I'm turning my CR in. Not because I have to recite that verse as I step on the scale.

I want to do this because I know I can. I want to do this because I know He wants me to. I want to do this to glorify Him.

Here's a verse I found this morning as I was doing some reading. I put it on an index card and taped it to the fridge. It's basically what happened to me after Thursday night. I love it when the Word speaks right to me. To me. What a gift; what a treasure.

I Corinthians 10:13 (NLT)
"But remember that the temptations that come into your life are no different than what others experience. And God is faithful. He will keep the temptation from becoming so strong that you can't stand up against it. When you are tempted, He will show you a way out so that you will not give in to it."

Monday Morning P.S. - I wrote this last night before going to bed. I just finished my Bible study for the day. Here is word-for-word the prayer at the end of the lesson (which was pretty much ALL about this exact topic): "Heavenly Father, help me to make a fresh commitment to my efforts in the First Place program so that I may reap a harvest. Holy Lord, help me to make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with You."

I guess I'm really in the right place, wouldn't you say?

Mini-Me Monday - Check In #6

Okay - so not so great of a week. Both kids were sick, I fought off a cold myself, and well - without spelling it out - let's just say I had a very good reason for gaining some weight that day. I didn't work out as often as I would have liked to, and I completely (and I mean COMPLETELY) blew it this weekend. The thing about this weekend is that I got a date day in with my husband -- and we needed that so much. We had a couple of weeks where we were snapping at each other about any and every little thing, and both generally were run down. To get away from town for a day, enjoy ourselves and just be together without anything pressing on us was exactly what we needed. We needed some rest and relaxation and we got both.

Okay, so back to the mini-me part of things. One of the comments on my CR (the thing I turn in at meetings that says what I ate, etc.) one of my leaders wrote to me was to try and not lose control on the weekends. Ummmm, yeah. Maybe next weekend I'll work on that one. Baby steps. I'm taking baby steps. It's still a problem.

Maybe that will be my goal - to keep this coming weekend under control. Okay - there ya go. I have a goal. Well, that - and to tip the scales in the right direction again.

On a good note - this past week I used my weights for the entire workout for my hardest dvd - AND I did each and every situp, and all of the pushups. To do ALL of that - was a good step. I'm getting in better shape, apparently. Hooray!

How's it going for you ladies, my other mini-me'ers?

Mini-Me Monday - Check In #5

Well, I'm happy to report that I lost another 2.5 lbs last week, which brings me to a grand total of 8.5 lbs over 4 weeks. I'm really happy about that and it's good motivation to keep going!

Victories of the week:
*Feeling like I still ate what I wanted for the most part
*I worked out 5/7 days this week!! That one is huge for me.
*Feeling like I have more discipline each day
*Really starting to enjoy my prayer journaling
*Finally doing something that doesn't feel like a diet -- it did at first, but now it doesn't
*Feeling freedom enough to just say "ehhhhh - it's fine" when I need to splurge here and there
*Watching the scale move in the right direction
*Drank tons of water!!
*A friend at school asked me if I'd lost weight and said I looked great, totally unprompted
*My jeans are starting to fit the way they used to (read: should)

Not so high lights of the week:
*I still had a Corona and a glass of wine here and there. I wonder how much that would help?
*I continue to go over on my "fats" exchanges at least a few days a week. I never knew that I ate that much fat -- the educational piece about what I'm *really* eating has been good for me. It's not like I'm eating fatty, processed foods all of the time -- just fats in the good stuff, too.
*Having some ice cream or something like that later at night than I should. I need to move up my "I don't eat after this time" time.
*I was going to eat my breakfast at home and take my own snacks to my Bible study on Friday but was running almost late and forgot. I did manage to eat well there, and even skipped the cookies and cinnamon rolls. I had fruit, yogurt and two mini-quiches as my treat instead.

Overall, it was a good week and I'm proud of myself for sticking with it and for making good progress. I think that the group of ladies I'm with makes it fun, too. They are all so different, and we are all at such very different places in our lives -- but on Thursday nights we're all in the same place for the same reason and we seem to laugh a lot. I am so, so, SO glad I started this program...putting God in First Place for my weight loss efforts was probably one of the smartest and best things I've ever done for myself!

Have a blessed week, friends. Here's my memory verse that I picked out for myself this week. I love it. LOVE it!!!

Romans 12:2 (NLT)
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.

Mini-Me Monday - Check In #4

Okay - so here we are, a month later. At my weigh-in at my 1st Place group on Thursday, it showed that I had lost 6 lbs. Yay! (Except that I think I started 2 lbs down from that so it's only 4 lbs.) Either way - at least I'm on the move in the right direction.

...or am I?

I think I might have slid the opposite way this weekend. See, my hubby -- my wonderful hubby -- has this habit of using food to show his love and cheer me up. He also loves his junk food and loves to splurge. (We laughed about it this weekend, so it's all good that I'm saying it here, he probably expects this.)

So, here I am, trying SO hard to eat well, exercise, drink lots of water, etc. and then my well-intentioned hubby loves me with food. (And I don't mean apples and broccoli, people.) I started feeling kind of icky Friday afternoon and by Friday night I was pretty miserable. I don't really know what it was -- I never had the typical "cold" stuff -- no runny nose, no fever, no cough. Just majorly achy body, headache, and "feeling" stuffed up. I went to bed at about 7:30 or so on Friday night and skipped two birthday parties on Saturday. It was one of those days where the only time I got out of my jammies on Saturday was to change into warmer ones when it got chilly that evening.

My hubby was his typically awesome self -- he took the kids outside with him while he did yard work, took Mitchell to run errands with him while Georgia took her nap, and took them both to the 2nd birthday party (45 minutes away) by himself. I know he was disappointed that I was sick, because he lives for family time on the weekend...I was disappointed, too. It stinks to spend all day in bed and miss out on the fun we all have together. Plus, we love the after-the-kids-are-in-bed time where we can have some "us" time, so it stunk to miss that, too.

Anyway, he and Mitchell returned from errands on Saturday afternoon and I was -- yes, still in bed. Mitchell came running upstairs to ask me for the 20th time why I was sick, to ask if I felt better, and to let me know that they had gotten me a surprise. You know what I needed from the store? Fabric softener. Know what I got?

• Ice cream
• Fritos
• Chili
• Pecan Pie
• Coke Zero (you know, because I'm watching what I eat and everything)

It just made me laugh. I asked him if he liked me being all fluffy or something, and he laughed and said that he was just trying to cheer me up and bring me stuff I love. (The pie was for him, the rest of it -- yeah, buddy -- bring it on, that's all me!!)

Sweet thought -- next time though, I'm hoping he says he loves me with ice water, a big salad, and some sugar-free jello or something. I really do love that guy!!

Oh, and here's how easy I am to sway -- my own suggestion was that he use the free pizza coupon from our new e-book (thanks, Earen!) on Saturday night for dinner. So, he did -- and I helped polish it off. (No real appetite loss, unfortunately.)

Anyway -- so there was my struggle of the week. But I'm back on my game. I got up and exercised this morning, even did the dvd that is the hardest for me and everything!

It's going to be a good week -- I will make it a good week.

Oh, and because they go so well together -- recipes and Mini-Me Mondays -- I did update my recipes on the side last week. Some of my faves over there!

Mini-Me Monday - Check In #3

This will be a quickie. I have to get dinner started and I have about 30,000 things to do before I go to bed, but I wanted to keep myself accountable here.

Couldn't go to my meeting this week because that's the night we left on our trip. I did weigh myself on my mom's scale this morning, which seems to be the same as the scale at my meetings, and I think I've lost one pound.

In 2 weeks.

Oh well - I guess that's good when I think about the fact that I just spent 18 hours in the car with snacks, and two days with amazing homemade mexican food -- which is a bigger weakness for me than Starbuck's. (And that's saying something.) Oh - and there was Starbucks, too.

Uhhh, yeah. So I guess I'll just be glad I'm on the right side of the numbers and keep on truckin'. Hopefully I can get my exercise mojo back -- the mini-vacay didn't do a thing for that, I'll tell ya.

I'm just gonna keep on keepin' on.

Mini-Me Monday - Check In #2

Seriously? It's Monday again? How did that happen?

Oooookay then. Time for a check in on the ol' extra baggage -- and by that I mean both the physical and accompanying mental/emotional types.

I had my very first First Place meeting on Thursday. It was good -- I am the only one who is doing this for the first time, as the rest of the women are returning members. We watched a video on the whole food journaling/exchange counting thing and set our goals.

Yikes. A goal. An actual, measurable goal. I'm all about those, but it's sort of scary because that makes it all the more official. Why does that intimidate me, I wonder?

Anyway -- I decided to shoot for 20 lbs in 13 weeks. We'll see what happens, but I feel like it's somewhat attainable if I can kick it into gear and keep it there. If I *don't* make it, I'll be disappointed, but if I do make it -- wow! I will be so proud!

So, we'll see what happens. I didn't get to exercise as much this weekend, as I was at the Women of Faith conference. (That is just way too much to get into right now, but it was a truly amazing and wonderful experience for me and the friends/family I attended with.) I did quite a bit of walking, but that was about it.

Not the best first week on record, I'm sure -- but that's the way it went!

Mini-Me Monday - Check In #1

Okay - so it's my first check in and progress report for Mini-Me Monday. My good buddy, Earen had this Monday idea, so I decided that I would do it, too. I'm happy to see that Renee is joining our Mini-Me Monday movement, and I am excited to see the changes we're all going to be making. (I'm sure that some weeks we will have much to rejoice over and other weeks we will be taking a few steps back. It just feels better to take a journey like this with good friends.)

For me, this has been a week full of "Yay, me" and also some "Ummmm, yeah...not so much" happenings.

Do you want the good or the bad? Hmmmmm...let's start with bad and end on a good note, shall we?

The bad: I didn't consistently eat any better. Here and there I did, but let's just say that you very well could have witnessed the following things going in my mouth this weekend: pepperoni pizza, a homemade Coke float that my hubby whipped up, peanut m&m's, and chocolate chip cookies. Now, I'll say that not every meal had a black cloud hanging over it, but whatever I did right during the week, I surely undid this weekend. Can I blame my husband? Ummm, not so much. (See, there's one.) If I'm totally honest with the world, I can tell you that I had McDonald's for lunch today, and I didn't get a salad. Or grilled chicken. Nope - a burger. (Yeah....not so much, again.)

The good: I am proud to announce that I exercised 5 out of 7 days last week! Yay, me!!!! (And there's one of those.) The thing is, it's difficult for me to get my eating AND exercise on track at the same time. Not that I absolutely can't do both -- but I know myself well enough to know that I can't do both right out of the gate. SO...since my First Place (similar to weight watchers, but based on the Bible) group starts this Thursday night, I figured I'd get my bootie moving first so that I'm already in the habit of working out when it's time to full-on tackle the eating thing. I'm really looking forward to the first meeting and just staring that starting number right in the eyes. My guess is that I have about 50-55 pounds to lose to reach my end goal, but to get to my first goal, I know it's 20-25 FOR SURE. That, to me, feels very attainable.

I'm not sure if I provided any background last week, so I'll fill in a few gaps here. I have struggled with my weight off and on throughout college. Probably a bit in high school too, but I was so active then that all of my sports kept the weight off. (I played volleyball year round and soccer in the spring.) During my junior year of college, I started working out with a personal trainer who was also a dietician. I don't know exactly how much weight I lost, but it was quite a bit. All of that went by the wayside during grad school and I seriously ballooned up. I am a stress eater and I have trouble sleeping when I'm stressed as well. I was just not taking care of myself at all then -- eating terribly, not exercising, drinking regularly, not sleeping well, not taking vitamins...let's just say I was not exactly the poster child for healthy living.

Fast forward a few years and you have me post-divorce (um, yeah -- can we just say I'll get back to that one later?) and living with two roommates. One of my roommates and I started working out together 3-5 times a week and eating really well. I dropped quite a bit of weight and was feeling and looking so much better. Got married, and a month later I found out I was pregnant. I gained about 45 pounds with my first pregnancy and kept about 30 of it for about two years.

My husband and I together did the South Beach thing and we just did awesome! He lost close to 50 pounds and I lost about 30. I was working out with a neighbor at an all women's gym and loved it. Then I got pregnant. Oh, and in the middle of that I had a freak accident/fall and tore my patellar tendon in my knee. That pretty much cooked my exercise goose. I didn't gain as much with Miss G, but I also started at a lower weight, so I think that helped a lot.

What it didn't help was me continue the lifestyle changes that I'd made. I had some WICKED food aversions when pregnant with her, and I kid you not, I would become nauseated even talking about salad. (I love salad normally, so this was a big problem.) Anyway -- it just totally derailed the train we had chugging along so nicely.

So, now -- here I am, back where I started. Needing to lose a ton of weight and trying not to feel defeated about looking up from the base of the same mountain again. That's what it feels like to me. A mountain. Nothing I can't do, but sitting in a recliner while eating junk food and watching someone else give it a whirl sounds like a much more tempting plan most of the time.

Tempting. That's a key for me.

The thing about me and temptation when it comes to food is that I am weak and vulnerable the first few weeks and then I'm golden. I am selfish and greedy in that I need to see results and get some positive encouragement from people who are just making observations in order to keep me motivated. It's so sad for me to admit that I just plain don't have the intrinsic motivation to do this that some people do. I don't enjoy working out and I have a serious love affair with food. Okay, let's call it what it is. An addiction.

There, I said it.

So, anyway -- that's me in a nutshell. That's how I got here.

The one thing I know is that I cannot do this alone. I need support. I need encouragement, and finally, I realize -- I need to lean on the Lord for my strength and motivation. His Word can guide my footsteps, and through my friends and First Place group, I know I'll get the prayer, support and encouragement I need.

With Him I can do anything. By myself, I just wind up on the same ridiculous roller coaster ride and I'm ready to get off. I'm upset with myself for having this be such an on-going issue in the "First Place" (ha, ha!) and it is comforting to me to know that God wants more for me as well. He desires that I have self-discipline and self-control, and I owe that not only to Him and myself, but to my children as well. They deserve a happy, healthy mom who can show them how to live a balanced life.

I know that Earen also posted this verse on her blog today, and I'm glad that it resonated with her as well. I read this while doing a Bible study last week and it just jumped off the page at me. The verse was only mentioned in passing, but to me it may as well have been in neon. I wrote it down and now have it as my guiding verse in this Mini-Me journey.

Hebrews 12:11 - "No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening - it is painful! But afterward, there will be a quiet harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way."

It helps to know that this isn't supposed to be easy and that, really - it's supposed to suck. I also like that there is a quiet harvest waiting for me at the finish line. At first, I thought -- hmmm, harvest. Let me get a better picture in my head of that because I'm a visual thinker and to be honest, I thought of corn and pumpkins. (Food -- go figure, right?) Anyway - here is my favorite definition:

harvest:
5. the result or consequence of any act, process, or event: The journey yielded a harvest of wonderful memories.

The consequence of my acts. The result of this process. A harvest. I don't just want that - everything within me needs it desperately, so I'll just keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing the best that I can.


Oh - and look for big happenings tomorrow (well, big for me -- it's a milestone and I'm doing a giveaway!)